It has been 5 years since you left us

Jie,
Today is 3rd December 2016. It has been 5 years since you left us. I miss you terribly and I still do..

Memoris of the day you left us is still very fresh in me. From you being lifeless in the sarong, sending you to the mortuary, being at your wake and sending you off with the Auld Lang Syne..I remember every single detail.

Till today I still do not understand why did we have to go through the sufferings. Test from God? I have on answers..

Whatever it is, I appreciate the 3 years we had together. Mummy will never forget you forever...I promise you

Didi going for eye assessment

Jie, didi is going for eye assessment tomorrow. Do watch over him & bless him from above. Mummy is praying hard that his eyes are perfect so that he could see us.

There's a lot for mummy to worry....if you could, do guard him..

Loving you,
Mummy

When can we get home

Lucas has been staying in the hospital since birth. Today marks his 26th day of stay in the NICU. Jie, would you know when can we get home?

On 5 Nov when didi got off the ventilator, mummy had very high hopes for him to get home soon. He progressed very fast from duopap to cpap to high flow nasal prong to nasal prong bubbling. Mummy was very proud of his progress & his determination!

On 9 Nov, didi was sent to NICU Level II ward where non critical patients are sent there and prepared to get home. It was a significant progress! On 10 Nov, Dr Pauline tried to off the oxygen support but didi could not sustain the oxygen saturation. I was told not to be disappointed..he will get there.

Today is 19 Nov. We have been trying for the past 9 days but not achieving the targeted saturation yet. Jie..if you are able to help, please watch over didi. Guard him from above and let him recover his lungs functions for him to get home.

Mummy is tired with my stay here..I miss Charlene too...When are we getting home?

Welcoming Lucas to our family

Jie,
I have not updated your blog for a long time. Alot has changed in our family. Mummy gave birth to didi Lucas on 25th October. What was meant to be a joyful event turned into days of sorrow and challenges.

Lucas was born termed at 37 weeks 6 days with hylane membrane disease. Mummy had gestational diabetes and this is likely the cause of the under developed lungs. If someone is to be blamed, that should be me. Had I control my diet even more, will didi still suffer the same faith. I don't know..there will be no answer.

As I am writing this, I am watching over didi in the hospital. Today marks 23 days of stay in the NICU. He was intubated and put on ventilation for 11 days and put on step down process. First was duopap, then CPAP, then high flow nasal prong, nasal prong air and now nasal prong bubbles.

Just like you, didi is a real fighter. From having tubes all over to now the nasal prong....I must say, he has improved a lot. If you are able to hear mummy's prayers, please watch over didi and help him breathe without support. We've been trying on him but he cannot be weaned off yet. Mummy wants him to get home soon...it's been very tough on me these 23 days.

I repeatedly ask the same question I asked when you were diagnosed with Edwards Syndrome 8 years ago. Why me? And...again there will be no answer. All that I wanted was to get a little one for Charlene so that she will not be so lonely.

Since your passing, she is consiously aware of your existence. She is unhappy being alone but tells everyone that she still has you. And when she knows mummy is expecting, she was thrilled. We didnt expected this outcome..

Jie, do your best and be didi and Charlene's guardian angel. Put miracle on didi to help his lungs heal completely so that we can get home.

When didi has grown up a bit, mummy will bring him to visit you. I promise...for now, do watch over him.

Missing you forever..

Missing you for four long years

It's 3rd December today...I dread this day...the day you left without a word. It's been four years since you left us. I really miss you....can't stop thinking bout you

Mummy miss you

Charmaine,
I didn't realise the last I wrote on your blog was a year ago. A lot has happened in a year...I don't know where I should start. We visited LegoLand a week ago & Charlene did this very amazing thing. She kept humming the sound that you liked to hum. Caught my attention & I casually told her.."can you be Charmaine for a while? " I needed a good hug & hugged her very very tight. I guess she could understand why I longed for that hug. Once it was over, she chattily told me "ok mummy, I am Charlene now"

It's been close to 4 years since you left us...mummy miss you everyday...

When answers aren't enough

I've sung this song a thousand times...when I was in my school choir in the 90s up to today. The lyrics used to be meaningful but I never appreciated them until year 2008 when I gave birth to Charmaine. The lyrics best described the battle I faced..best described my 'why did it happen' questions. I used to sing this to Charmaine & each time I'll be in tears.

I sang this song again tonight to Charlene...and she saw tears rolling down my cheeks. The lyrics said 'think of where it can lead you from here'...maybe I should stop thinking why did it happen and start thinking of where it can lead me..

Lyrics for 'When Answers Aren't Enough'
************************************
You have faced the mountains of desperation
You have climbed, you have fought, you have won
But this valley that lies coldly before you
Casts a shadow you cannot overcome

And just when you thought you had it all together
You knew every verse to get you through
But this time the sorrow broke more than just your heart
And reciting all those verses just won't do

Chorus:
When answers aren't enough, there is Jesus
He is more than just an answer to your prayer
And your heart will find a safe and peaceful refuge
When answers aren't enough, He is there

Instead of asking why did it happen
Think of where it can lead you from here
And as your pain is slowly easing, you can find a greater reason
To live your life triumphant through the tears

I still ask why...

Although it has been close to 6 years since your diagnosis, I still ask myself why. Why am I the chosen one?

I was once told by a Christian friend that God has his reasons for choosing me. What was the reason? To teach me how to love a special child? To put my strength to test? I have not found my answers yet.

Why choose me...why do I need to suffer & see you suffer? I've read a lot recently after the miscarriage...there's tremendous pain in me. Did this baby have chromosomal problem like yours? Was this a result of a gene carried by me or your dad? Was this a result of any sin that we may have done? There were so many whys....yet no answer

Would I be given another chance to conceive another healthy baby and bring this baby to term? How can I not remember the pains of your passing, how can I not remember the pains during the abortion. How can I not remember singing auld lang syne to you?

Why am I the chosen one?

Feeling empty

Our angel baby was removed at 8pm on Thursday 4 September 2014 by Dr Pang at her clinic. When it was finally done the Dr did ask if I would like to keep the remains. I firmly said no but I braved myself to take a look at our angel. Fetus covered with blood & lots of clots...that was all that I could see. When I was wheeled back to the room, I felt the emptiness in me. Our baby is no longer in me...the feeling wasn't as bad before I had our baby removed. With the removal I am officially no longer pregnant.

Throughout my short pregnancy Charlene loves saying that her tummy stores food while mummy's stores food and baby. When I had very bad nausea and wanted to throw up, she would stop me from throwing up for fear of me throwing up the baby along. Her love for our baby was so strong that she immediately bonded with the baby...kissing my belly each night when I come home from work. 

Just a few days ago I overheard her asking if baby is thirsty and she forced me to drink for her baby. I felt so sad and at fault that I couldn't deliver the baby safely...I felt I have shortchanged & disappointed Charlene...she badly wanted to have a 'sister' to play with.

She's going to grow up missing Charmaine & having thoughts that she probably should have another sibling. I hope to give Charlene the best attention that I could give to her to fill the void in her being a 'single' child. 

Angel baby left us at 9 weeks

Jie,
Just as I wanted to write to you about mummy expecting a baby, I now have to break the news to you that our baby had stopped growing at 9 weeks. I was devastated when Dr Andy said baby has no heartbeat. I heard the heartbeat on a Doppler at 8 weeks 1 day & Dr said baby was growing well. How can this happen? I chose to remove our baby at Columbia Asia and to seek a second opinion. Dr described the pregnancy as non viable due to abdominal hernia.

After coping with your death, mummy is now challenged with another loss. Why us again? Why the world is so mean to us that we have to witness your sufferings and now to do a medical abortion. Charlene was so sad yesterday she cried non stop asking for her baby to return. Although baby was still in me yesterday, I had to lie to her that there wasn't any.

I checked into the hospital this morning to start the abortion. Was crying like mad when Dr inserted the medication in me. The pregnancy though ended a week ago, shall officially end soon. I cried and cried...

In the afternoon the cramping and pain became more intense. I didn't know when the remains were officially expelled but when Dr came to check at around 8pm she took out the remains and confirmed all is over. I saw the fetus..I don't know why I dared to see. I was hoping to see a fully formed fetus but I saw only blood clot.

Mummy felt very empty now..baby has gone to a better place. Our dreams of having a new addition is shattered. Charlene's dream of being a big sister is shattered..I don't know how long Mummy will take to recover from this loss but I assured papa that I will be able to get through this fast.

Mummy hope that Jie can bring our baby along with you in heaven. Till we meet again, good bye. I love you

Mummy in KPJ hospital now

Jie,
Mummy is in KPJ hospital now waiting to do a blood test for dengue fever. I have been having fever since Sunday, it's my 4th day today. When I was registering at the outpatient registration counter, I saw a notice on 'priority' zone. The word 'red zone' caught my attention and brought back memories of 3 Dec 2011. I recalled how I brought you to the hospital. I recalled how you were rushed in and I was asked if they should resuscitate you. I responded no..I said, my child is a special child, we should let her go. I knew there won't be any chance as you have stopped breathing for a long time.

Last night, I was thinking so badly about you..I missed you terribly.

My 5 day holiday is ending soon

Jie,
Tomorrow would be my last day of a 5 day holiday. I had planned for a lot to be done these 5 days but ended up only with these

Day 1:
Spring cleaning the house
Sorting yours and Charlene's old clothing and labeling them properly
Cooked dinner for mama, ah kong, ah ku & ah Kim

Day 2:
Trip to PD

Day 3:
Spent a whole day at mama's house & celebrated mummy's birthday
Browsed your old pictures

Day 4:
Today was spent taking care of Charlene who was down with fever.
Cooked dinner for mama, ah kong & popo

Day 5:
I guess would be the same as Day 4

I was thinking of you so badly when I sorted your clothings. Your tiny shoes, your jumpers..I smelled each and everyone of them as if they were you. Then when Charlene asked to see your photographs,  I could stop crying when I saw your pictures. I missed you so badly. Charlene caught me crying and asked why. Being innocent she said "Oh..you missed Charmaine jie jie ah". I could only tell her yes I do. I have to tell you that you have an amazing sister who is able to console mummy and share my grief. She said "I also miss Charmaine jie jie" & "You don't cry, I saying you"...

Mummy thanked God for sending Charlene to me. Her words are so comforting and encouraging. I knew from then on that she has grown up and mummy will be sharing a lot more of your stories with her. She's going to know and love you more.

Till I write again, good night...I love you.

Mummy's Birthday

Jie,
It's mummy's birthday today. I miss you. Wondering how today would be if you are still around. Charlene surprised me this morning with a playdoh cake and wished mummy 'Happy Birthday'. Where ever you are, I am very sure you would be wishing me too. I know you would. It's been more than one and a half years since you left. My heart still aches and I still cry when I think of you. Mummy miss you so much and I promise you that I shall remember you always. I love you my precious Charmaine, my precious Lim Li En, my precious kache, my precious baby....

Jie, mummy miss you

I've been missing you a lot for the past few weeks. I was very sure that I had you in my dreams a few weeks ago. And..I remember so clearly that you asked for panties when I visit you for the all soul's day prayers. That week, I was emotional. I just couldn't stop crying when I went to buy the panties. I miss you.....

Jie, Gong Xi Fa Cai

Jie,
It's been some time since mummy came to your blog. I have been very busy with the new year preparation & then all the cooking during the new year. This year around, I braved myself to celebrate the new year. There were lots of shopping with ah ma & ah kong & of course mei mei too...

Of late, I find myself talking & mingling more often with children your age. I always remind myself that if you are still around, you would be like them. First, Xin Yen jie jie, then Chloe mei mei....how I wish you are like them.

It's our 2nd CNY without you. I hope you do love the Mickey & Minnie Ang Pow I left at the memorial park.. Happy Chinese New Year my darling...

Happy New Year 2013

Jie,
It's 1 Jan 2013 today. We have not done mush to usher the new year, just wishing everyone the best of health. If you were still with us, on the very last few days of the year, I would be silently praying for you to live on to see the new year.

In 2010, we welcomed the new year at our condo in KL. I could still remember when the clock struck 12, we took pictures with you & congratulated you for moving on to a new year.

Well, last night I whispered into Charlene's year and wished her Happy New Year & May You Be Blessed With Great Health Throughout The Year.

I wonder how would it be if you were with us last night....

Angel Annabel

For the past few days, I have been checking out Annabel's blog. She was very sick, her lungs were getting weaker & I had a feeling that she would leave. When I went to her blog yesterday and read ' Sweet Annabel gained her angel wings', I couldn't stop crying...

1 year 7 days after losing Charmaine, the same feeling came back to me. I felt lost, as though losing Charmaine another time. Annabel's looks kind of resemble Charmaine; especially when she frowned. I don't know if Trisomy 18 babies do look a like, but Charmaine's face keep coming up to me when I looked at Annabel's pictures.

I recalled the day when you left us, I recalled how I shouted for you and bathe you for the last time and how you looked so pale in the mortuary. 3 December 2011 flashed back as though it just happened. Your papa gave me a good hug yesterday night and reminded me that you are in a better place now. He asked 'Do you want to see Charmaine suffer any longer'?

Of course not.. At the age of 4, you should now be attending pre school, going for music lessons, singing and running around. You should have been with us when we travelled to Hong Kong Disneyland last month. You should be shouting in glee when you see Mickey and Minnie Mouse and asking us to buy you those cute Disney merchandise.

Instead, we were there only with Charlene. We were happy with Charlene, of course. But, there was emptiness in us, more so as that day was your 4th Birthday. I silently sang 'Happy Birthday' to you and when I related this to your Papa, he told me he did the same too.

Jie, be assured that you always hold a special place in our hearts. You may not be with us now, but we shall meet again some day. While waiting for us, go play & make friends with your angel friends. I am sure you are now playing happily there...

3 December 2012 - It's been a year since you left us

It's 8:10am now

Last year around this time, Papa was asking me 'How come Jie is sleeping with her eyes half open'. I knew it was not right for you to sleep this way and when I went to check you out in your 'sarong', I knew you went back to God....I could still remember, how I bathe you for the last time and took our last pictures before we headed to the hospital.

For the past few days, I was preparing myself for today. I don't know if I could take it, if I would pull through today well. I thought of skipping work, but then I knew I shouldn't escape. For as long as I live, there is always going to be a 3 December. This day shall be remember as a day where you are freed from your suffering, a day where God takes you home to be with him.

Although I still cry a lot when I think of you, I know you are at a better place now. Rest in peace my darling.... Mummy loves you.

26 November - You would have been 4

Jie,
26 November is just around the corner. In 16 days time, you would have been four. How would our life be if you were still around? I guess, around this time, I would be very busy preparing for your birthday party, discussing the menu and scouting around for a nice dress for you. I recalled how I scouted for a nice white dress from Isetan on your last birthday. I knew you loved the dress very much; you were smiling all day round when I put on the dress for you.

This year, we will be celebrating your birthday without you. Be assured that you will be remembered forever... Happy Birthday my darling Charmaine.

Mummy miss you very very much....

Sarong

Jie,

I was chatting with my colleague today about his son falling off his 'sarong' and I shared my experience about your falls with her. It was meant to be a sharing, but I ended with tears..

I recalled, your first was when you fell on the 1st day of Chinese New Year in Year 2010. I guess the culprit was the silk Chinese 'samfu' that you wore. The material must have been too silky that you glided down when you turned in the sarong. I was lucky, I managed to catch you in time.

Your second was when the spring gave way. I knew you loved the sarong a lot and you would want me to get a replacement as fast as I could. I walked all the way from our condo to the mini market to get a new spring for you. 

Your third was in September 2010 after you attended Uncle Jimmy's wedding dinner. I didn't know how it happened, but you fell off the sarong when everyone was asleep. I cried along with you that night & blamed myself for your pain.

Though the sarong is now safely kept in our store room now, memories of you remain in our hearts. I miss you dearly and can't wait to be reunited with you again.