Angel Annabel

For the past few days, I have been checking out Annabel's blog. She was very sick, her lungs were getting weaker & I had a feeling that she would leave. When I went to her blog yesterday and read ' Sweet Annabel gained her angel wings', I couldn't stop crying...

1 year 7 days after losing Charmaine, the same feeling came back to me. I felt lost, as though losing Charmaine another time. Annabel's looks kind of resemble Charmaine; especially when she frowned. I don't know if Trisomy 18 babies do look a like, but Charmaine's face keep coming up to me when I looked at Annabel's pictures.

I recalled the day when you left us, I recalled how I shouted for you and bathe you for the last time and how you looked so pale in the mortuary. 3 December 2011 flashed back as though it just happened. Your papa gave me a good hug yesterday night and reminded me that you are in a better place now. He asked 'Do you want to see Charmaine suffer any longer'?

Of course not.. At the age of 4, you should now be attending pre school, going for music lessons, singing and running around. You should have been with us when we travelled to Hong Kong Disneyland last month. You should be shouting in glee when you see Mickey and Minnie Mouse and asking us to buy you those cute Disney merchandise.

Instead, we were there only with Charlene. We were happy with Charlene, of course. But, there was emptiness in us, more so as that day was your 4th Birthday. I silently sang 'Happy Birthday' to you and when I related this to your Papa, he told me he did the same too.

Jie, be assured that you always hold a special place in our hearts. You may not be with us now, but we shall meet again some day. While waiting for us, go play & make friends with your angel friends. I am sure you are now playing happily there...

3 December 2012 - It's been a year since you left us

It's 8:10am now

Last year around this time, Papa was asking me 'How come Jie is sleeping with her eyes half open'. I knew it was not right for you to sleep this way and when I went to check you out in your 'sarong', I knew you went back to God....I could still remember, how I bathe you for the last time and took our last pictures before we headed to the hospital.

For the past few days, I was preparing myself for today. I don't know if I could take it, if I would pull through today well. I thought of skipping work, but then I knew I shouldn't escape. For as long as I live, there is always going to be a 3 December. This day shall be remember as a day where you are freed from your suffering, a day where God takes you home to be with him.

Although I still cry a lot when I think of you, I know you are at a better place now. Rest in peace my darling.... Mummy loves you.

26 November - You would have been 4

Jie,
26 November is just around the corner. In 16 days time, you would have been four. How would our life be if you were still around? I guess, around this time, I would be very busy preparing for your birthday party, discussing the menu and scouting around for a nice dress for you. I recalled how I scouted for a nice white dress from Isetan on your last birthday. I knew you loved the dress very much; you were smiling all day round when I put on the dress for you.

This year, we will be celebrating your birthday without you. Be assured that you will be remembered forever... Happy Birthday my darling Charmaine.

Mummy miss you very very much....

Sarong

Jie,

I was chatting with my colleague today about his son falling off his 'sarong' and I shared my experience about your falls with her. It was meant to be a sharing, but I ended with tears..

I recalled, your first was when you fell on the 1st day of Chinese New Year in Year 2010. I guess the culprit was the silk Chinese 'samfu' that you wore. The material must have been too silky that you glided down when you turned in the sarong. I was lucky, I managed to catch you in time.

Your second was when the spring gave way. I knew you loved the sarong a lot and you would want me to get a replacement as fast as I could. I walked all the way from our condo to the mini market to get a new spring for you. 

Your third was in September 2010 after you attended Uncle Jimmy's wedding dinner. I didn't know how it happened, but you fell off the sarong when everyone was asleep. I cried along with you that night & blamed myself for your pain.

Though the sarong is now safely kept in our store room now, memories of you remain in our hearts. I miss you dearly and can't wait to be reunited with you again.

  

It's mummy's birthday today!

Hi Jie,
It's Mummy's birthday today! I miss you terribly last night when I looked into your photos. If you were still around, you would have stayed wide awake last night to wish me Happy Birthday! Well, Charlene did that for you. She gave me 2 kisses on my cheek. One from her & another on your behalf.

Thank you for spending 10th August 2009, 2010 & 2011 with me....I love you.

You are a good listener

I recalled the times when I was down, I would speak to you to seek comfort. You probably didn't understand what was going on, but you were such a good listener. A lot has happened since you left us. I had no one to speak to, what more a good listener...

Charlene caught me crying the other day and surprised me by hugging & patting my shoulder. I didn't expect this level of comfort from your 19 month old sister. I guess, she's doing on your behalf..

I miss you so much.

3rd July 2012

Jie,
It's 3rd of July 2012 today; exactly 7 months since you left us. No words can describe how I feel today. I was in the bus this evening when I thought of you. I miss the way you smiled at me, I miss your giggling, I miss the good times we had together. I wished I had spent more time with you, I wished I had stayed home with you in your last few days of life.

Mummy is so sorry, Charmaine...I deeply regret not being with you when you needed me most.

I love you

Jie,
When Mummy was getting Charlene to sleep just now, memories of you came back to me. I recalled stroking your hair each night before you sleep and recalled telling you 'Mummy love you' each night.

For the past 3 years that you lived, Mummy lived each day as though it was your last. I knew the day would come but I prayed and longed for you to live longer....at least until I am prepared to let you go.

I recalled how we celebrated each monthly birthday, thanking God for the miracle He brought to us. You are not just a miracle. Your courage and determination changed my life forever. I frequently remind myself every now and then that if Charmaine can defy the odds against her and lived 3 wonderful years, I should live my life positively too.

Thank you for making me a better Mom. I love you...  

Mummy miss you a lot

Time flies. It's been more than 5 months since you left us. Mummy & Papa have been very busy lately with the renovation of our new home. We've promised to move in to our new home with you but you left us just before we got our keys. Though you are not physically moving in with us, we have created some space to keep your belongings.

Some updates on your sis Charlene. She's going great, learning to speak and is calling every girl she sees as Jie Jie. Mummy can't bear to hear her call others Jie Jie. She's supposed to have her own Jie Jie.......Mummy promise you, I will be telling her stories of you. Some day, she's going to know she has a Jie Jie.

Jie....Mummy miss you a lot....

Mummy miss you dearly

Jie,
For the past months after you left us, visiting you at the Fairy Park became part of our weekend activity. I feel uneasy today not visiting you. I miss making your favourite nen nen, I miss you so dearly. Please be assured that Mummy is not forgetting you...you will always be in Mummy's heart.

  

Your 1st Photobook has arrived!

Jie,
Mummy started with your photobook back in August last year. I could still remember how I would place you near me to watch me do your photobook. I remember telling you, Mummy's going to finish it soon, you are going to see your lovely book. But, you never had the chance to do so....

I am sorry, I procrastinated..

It took me 7 months to complete it. When you were around, I took my own sweet time to do. When you left, it was hard for me to continue doing. I cry each time I see your picture, tougher when I had to change all the description in the book into 'past tense' and made the title 'In Loving Memory Of Our Eldest Daughter Charmaine Lim Li En'.

Jie, the book has arrived and it is very nicely done up. Mummy's going to treasure this book forever. I miss you my darling girl....

Mummy miss you

Jie,
Mummy stumbled upon your pictures in an old memory card. I can't hold my tears when I saw you. You looked so lovely with your smile. I miss you so much...why do you have to go? I accept the fact that you are no longer with us, but it is really tough for me to let go...

Jie, Mummy miss you so much...

Genting then and now

12.12.2009 with Charmaine

6.2.2012 with Charlene

I love arranging short trips for Charmaine and I took her to Genting Highlands during Christmas 2009. It was my shortest ever trip in Genting. Checked in around 4pm and checked out the next day at 7am. This poor girl couldn't sleep well the whole night and we decided to check out as early as we could. I took lots of pictures with Charmaine and loved this one especially. She was dressed in this pink scarf which I knitted specially for her to wear for the trip. 

I planned for another trip on 17.12.2011 but Charmaine never made it. 

Jie, it was tough for mummy to go without you. The scarf that Charlene wore reminded mummy of our good times in Genting. I miss you a lot.   

Missing you

Jie,
Mummy was in Bali last week. Despite being in such a beautiful island, I holidayed with a heavy heart. I envied parents who brought along their girls in the plane, I can't stop thinking how would it be if you were born without Trisomy 18. You would be full of laughter, running along the beaches enjoying every bit of the holiday.

I wish I had a chance to see you walk and run, I wish to see you chatting bubbly asking me lots of questions, I wish to see you all well.....but I saw you suffered with Trisomy 18, I saw you cried each time you constipated, I saw you getting more and more frail and I saw the very last bit of you after the cremation..

I now wish for you to be a happy angel, guarding us from above. I love you jie..

1st Day of Chinese New Year

This is our first Chinese New Year without Charmaine. Despite our loss, we agreed that the celebration should go on for Charlene. She should not be deprived of the celebration. We went on with our customary 'Pai Nian'. I call this our family tradition. I can't recall how long we've had this very formal 'Pai Nian' thingy, but it's the time of the year where my parents will give us each a red packet and wish us all well in our health, career and relationship.

This year, we've added a new tradition to the family. We visited Charmaine at the Fairy Park first thing in the morning before going to Kong Kong's house. My husband and I have both agreed that apart from our regular visits, we should visit Charmaine on the 1st Day of Chinese New Year before going for our rounds of visiting. We wanted Charlene to be excited over visiting her sister and we wanted to educate her that visiting the park during the Chinese New Year is not a taboo. It's going to be the Lim family's tradition!

Chinese New Year Eve

I used to get very excited for the yearly reunion dinner on Chinese New Year eve. A lot more after I had Charmaine. There were lots of preparation for the dinner; how to dress Charmaine, what to bring for the dinner, her milk....and the list goes on.

We had our 1st reunion dinner together at Lucky Palace Restaurant, our 2nd at Min Kok Restaurant and our last at home. Three very precious years.

Charmaine's 1st Reunion Dinner

Charmaine's 2nd Reunion Dinner

Charmaine's 1st and last reunion with Charlene. Both were dressed up in the same pyjamas

This year, I prepared for the reunion dinner the same way minus Charmaine. The word 'reunion' no longer exist. Charmaine is far far away and I will only be reunited with her some day later.

Jie,
Happy Chinese New Year. This year would have been your 4th year if you were still around. For now, it's only Mummy, Papa & Charlene...

I love mummy

07.01.2009

Though you cannot tell me 'I love you Mummy', I knew you do. Just a few weeks before your death, I put up a night in our condo and returned only the next day. When I opened the door, you immediately turned towards the door and started babbling with a big smile. That was one of the longest babbling you have ever made. I couldn't figure out what you have said but I guess you meant 'Mummy, where have you been? I miss you a lot!'. 

Jie, Mummy loves you too and I still do. I miss all your babbling....

I made Charmaine smile

Charmaine loves the edited version of the song 'Here We Go Round The Mulberry Bush'.
Edited lyrics:
This is the way I brush my teeth*
I brush my teeth (repeat twice)
This is the way I brush my teeth*
So early in the morning

*replace brush my teeth with comb my hair

Grandma & I used to sing this to her everyday when she takes her bath. This was how we got her to brush her teeth. She loved the song a lot and would smile when we sing to her. I got her to smile to the camera when I took this video!

A brand new year without Charmaine

1.1.2009

1.1.2010

1.1.2011

1 January 2012. Today brought along old memories of how we celebrated the New Year with Charmaine. We would purposely stay up just to wait for the clock to struck twelve and would tell Charmaine, you've made it to another year. She made it through 2009, 2010 and 2011.