Feeling empty

Our angel baby was removed at 8pm on Thursday 4 September 2014 by Dr Pang at her clinic. When it was finally done the Dr did ask if I would like to keep the remains. I firmly said no but I braved myself to take a look at our angel. Fetus covered with blood & lots of clots...that was all that I could see. When I was wheeled back to the room, I felt the emptiness in me. Our baby is no longer in me...the feeling wasn't as bad before I had our baby removed. With the removal I am officially no longer pregnant.

Throughout my short pregnancy Charlene loves saying that her tummy stores food while mummy's stores food and baby. When I had very bad nausea and wanted to throw up, she would stop me from throwing up for fear of me throwing up the baby along. Her love for our baby was so strong that she immediately bonded with the baby...kissing my belly each night when I come home from work. 

Just a few days ago I overheard her asking if baby is thirsty and she forced me to drink for her baby. I felt so sad and at fault that I couldn't deliver the baby safely...I felt I have shortchanged & disappointed Charlene...she badly wanted to have a 'sister' to play with.

She's going to grow up missing Charmaine & having thoughts that she probably should have another sibling. I hope to give Charlene the best attention that I could give to her to fill the void in her being a 'single' child. 

Angel baby left us at 9 weeks

Jie,
Just as I wanted to write to you about mummy expecting a baby, I now have to break the news to you that our baby had stopped growing at 9 weeks. I was devastated when Dr Andy said baby has no heartbeat. I heard the heartbeat on a Doppler at 8 weeks 1 day & Dr said baby was growing well. How can this happen? I chose to remove our baby at Columbia Asia and to seek a second opinion. Dr described the pregnancy as non viable due to abdominal hernia.

After coping with your death, mummy is now challenged with another loss. Why us again? Why the world is so mean to us that we have to witness your sufferings and now to do a medical abortion. Charlene was so sad yesterday she cried non stop asking for her baby to return. Although baby was still in me yesterday, I had to lie to her that there wasn't any.

I checked into the hospital this morning to start the abortion. Was crying like mad when Dr inserted the medication in me. The pregnancy though ended a week ago, shall officially end soon. I cried and cried...

In the afternoon the cramping and pain became more intense. I didn't know when the remains were officially expelled but when Dr came to check at around 8pm she took out the remains and confirmed all is over. I saw the fetus..I don't know why I dared to see. I was hoping to see a fully formed fetus but I saw only blood clot.

Mummy felt very empty now..baby has gone to a better place. Our dreams of having a new addition is shattered. Charlene's dream of being a big sister is shattered..I don't know how long Mummy will take to recover from this loss but I assured papa that I will be able to get through this fast.

Mummy hope that Jie can bring our baby along with you in heaven. Till we meet again, good bye. I love you

Mummy in KPJ hospital now

Jie,
Mummy is in KPJ hospital now waiting to do a blood test for dengue fever. I have been having fever since Sunday, it's my 4th day today. When I was registering at the outpatient registration counter, I saw a notice on 'priority' zone. The word 'red zone' caught my attention and brought back memories of 3 Dec 2011. I recalled how I brought you to the hospital. I recalled how you were rushed in and I was asked if they should resuscitate you. I responded no..I said, my child is a special child, we should let her go. I knew there won't be any chance as you have stopped breathing for a long time.

Last night, I was thinking so badly about you..I missed you terribly.

My 5 day holiday is ending soon

Jie,
Tomorrow would be my last day of a 5 day holiday. I had planned for a lot to be done these 5 days but ended up only with these

Day 1:
Spring cleaning the house
Sorting yours and Charlene's old clothing and labeling them properly
Cooked dinner for mama, ah kong, ah ku & ah Kim

Day 2:
Trip to PD

Day 3:
Spent a whole day at mama's house & celebrated mummy's birthday
Browsed your old pictures

Day 4:
Today was spent taking care of Charlene who was down with fever.
Cooked dinner for mama, ah kong & popo

Day 5:
I guess would be the same as Day 4

I was thinking of you so badly when I sorted your clothings. Your tiny shoes, your jumpers..I smelled each and everyone of them as if they were you. Then when Charlene asked to see your photographs,  I could stop crying when I saw your pictures. I missed you so badly. Charlene caught me crying and asked why. Being innocent she said "Oh..you missed Charmaine jie jie ah". I could only tell her yes I do. I have to tell you that you have an amazing sister who is able to console mummy and share my grief. She said "I also miss Charmaine jie jie" & "You don't cry, I saying you"...

Mummy thanked God for sending Charlene to me. Her words are so comforting and encouraging. I knew from then on that she has grown up and mummy will be sharing a lot more of your stories with her. She's going to know and love you more.

Till I write again, good night...I love you.

Mummy's Birthday

Jie,
It's mummy's birthday today. I miss you. Wondering how today would be if you are still around. Charlene surprised me this morning with a playdoh cake and wished mummy 'Happy Birthday'. Where ever you are, I am very sure you would be wishing me too. I know you would. It's been more than one and a half years since you left. My heart still aches and I still cry when I think of you. Mummy miss you so much and I promise you that I shall remember you always. I love you my precious Charmaine, my precious Lim Li En, my precious kache, my precious baby....

Jie, mummy miss you

I've been missing you a lot for the past few weeks. I was very sure that I had you in my dreams a few weeks ago. And..I remember so clearly that you asked for panties when I visit you for the all soul's day prayers. That week, I was emotional. I just couldn't stop crying when I went to buy the panties. I miss you.....

Jie, Gong Xi Fa Cai

Jie,
It's been some time since mummy came to your blog. I have been very busy with the new year preparation & then all the cooking during the new year. This year around, I braved myself to celebrate the new year. There were lots of shopping with ah ma & ah kong & of course mei mei too...

Of late, I find myself talking & mingling more often with children your age. I always remind myself that if you are still around, you would be like them. First, Xin Yen jie jie, then Chloe mei mei....how I wish you are like them.

It's our 2nd CNY without you. I hope you do love the Mickey & Minnie Ang Pow I left at the memorial park.. Happy Chinese New Year my darling...