3 December 2012 - It's been a year since you left us

It's 8:10am now

Last year around this time, Papa was asking me 'How come Jie is sleeping with her eyes half open'. I knew it was not right for you to sleep this way and when I went to check you out in your 'sarong', I knew you went back to God....I could still remember, how I bathe you for the last time and took our last pictures before we headed to the hospital.

For the past few days, I was preparing myself for today. I don't know if I could take it, if I would pull through today well. I thought of skipping work, but then I knew I shouldn't escape. For as long as I live, there is always going to be a 3 December. This day shall be remember as a day where you are freed from your suffering, a day where God takes you home to be with him.

Although I still cry a lot when I think of you, I know you are at a better place now. Rest in peace my darling.... Mummy loves you.

26 November - You would have been 4

Jie,
26 November is just around the corner. In 16 days time, you would have been four. How would our life be if you were still around? I guess, around this time, I would be very busy preparing for your birthday party, discussing the menu and scouting around for a nice dress for you. I recalled how I scouted for a nice white dress from Isetan on your last birthday. I knew you loved the dress very much; you were smiling all day round when I put on the dress for you.

This year, we will be celebrating your birthday without you. Be assured that you will be remembered forever... Happy Birthday my darling Charmaine.

Mummy miss you very very much....

Sarong

Jie,

I was chatting with my colleague today about his son falling off his 'sarong' and I shared my experience about your falls with her. It was meant to be a sharing, but I ended with tears..

I recalled, your first was when you fell on the 1st day of Chinese New Year in Year 2010. I guess the culprit was the silk Chinese 'samfu' that you wore. The material must have been too silky that you glided down when you turned in the sarong. I was lucky, I managed to catch you in time.

Your second was when the spring gave way. I knew you loved the sarong a lot and you would want me to get a replacement as fast as I could. I walked all the way from our condo to the mini market to get a new spring for you. 

Your third was in September 2010 after you attended Uncle Jimmy's wedding dinner. I didn't know how it happened, but you fell off the sarong when everyone was asleep. I cried along with you that night & blamed myself for your pain.

Though the sarong is now safely kept in our store room now, memories of you remain in our hearts. I miss you dearly and can't wait to be reunited with you again.

  

It's mummy's birthday today!

Hi Jie,
It's Mummy's birthday today! I miss you terribly last night when I looked into your photos. If you were still around, you would have stayed wide awake last night to wish me Happy Birthday! Well, Charlene did that for you. She gave me 2 kisses on my cheek. One from her & another on your behalf.

Thank you for spending 10th August 2009, 2010 & 2011 with me....I love you.

You are a good listener

I recalled the times when I was down, I would speak to you to seek comfort. You probably didn't understand what was going on, but you were such a good listener. A lot has happened since you left us. I had no one to speak to, what more a good listener...

Charlene caught me crying the other day and surprised me by hugging & patting my shoulder. I didn't expect this level of comfort from your 19 month old sister. I guess, she's doing on your behalf..

I miss you so much.

3rd July 2012

Jie,
It's 3rd of July 2012 today; exactly 7 months since you left us. No words can describe how I feel today. I was in the bus this evening when I thought of you. I miss the way you smiled at me, I miss your giggling, I miss the good times we had together. I wished I had spent more time with you, I wished I had stayed home with you in your last few days of life.

Mummy is so sorry, Charmaine...I deeply regret not being with you when you needed me most.

I love you

Jie,
When Mummy was getting Charlene to sleep just now, memories of you came back to me. I recalled stroking your hair each night before you sleep and recalled telling you 'Mummy love you' each night.

For the past 3 years that you lived, Mummy lived each day as though it was your last. I knew the day would come but I prayed and longed for you to live longer....at least until I am prepared to let you go.

I recalled how we celebrated each monthly birthday, thanking God for the miracle He brought to us. You are not just a miracle. Your courage and determination changed my life forever. I frequently remind myself every now and then that if Charmaine can defy the odds against her and lived 3 wonderful years, I should live my life positively too.

Thank you for making me a better Mom. I love you...