When answers aren't enough

I've sung this song a thousand times...when I was in my school choir in the 90s up to today. The lyrics used to be meaningful but I never appreciated them until year 2008 when I gave birth to Charmaine. The lyrics best described the battle I faced..best described my 'why did it happen' questions. I used to sing this to Charmaine & each time I'll be in tears.

I sang this song again tonight to Charlene...and she saw tears rolling down my cheeks. The lyrics said 'think of where it can lead you from here'...maybe I should stop thinking why did it happen and start thinking of where it can lead me..

Lyrics for 'When Answers Aren't Enough'
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You have faced the mountains of desperation
You have climbed, you have fought, you have won
But this valley that lies coldly before you
Casts a shadow you cannot overcome

And just when you thought you had it all together
You knew every verse to get you through
But this time the sorrow broke more than just your heart
And reciting all those verses just won't do

Chorus:
When answers aren't enough, there is Jesus
He is more than just an answer to your prayer
And your heart will find a safe and peaceful refuge
When answers aren't enough, He is there

Instead of asking why did it happen
Think of where it can lead you from here
And as your pain is slowly easing, you can find a greater reason
To live your life triumphant through the tears

I still ask why...

Although it has been close to 6 years since your diagnosis, I still ask myself why. Why am I the chosen one?

I was once told by a Christian friend that God has his reasons for choosing me. What was the reason? To teach me how to love a special child? To put my strength to test? I have not found my answers yet.

Why choose me...why do I need to suffer & see you suffer? I've read a lot recently after the miscarriage...there's tremendous pain in me. Did this baby have chromosomal problem like yours? Was this a result of a gene carried by me or your dad? Was this a result of any sin that we may have done? There were so many whys....yet no answer

Would I be given another chance to conceive another healthy baby and bring this baby to term? How can I not remember the pains of your passing, how can I not remember the pains during the abortion. How can I not remember singing auld lang syne to you?

Why am I the chosen one?

Feeling empty

Our angel baby was removed at 8pm on Thursday 4 September 2014 by Dr Pang at her clinic. When it was finally done the Dr did ask if I would like to keep the remains. I firmly said no but I braved myself to take a look at our angel. Fetus covered with blood & lots of clots...that was all that I could see. When I was wheeled back to the room, I felt the emptiness in me. Our baby is no longer in me...the feeling wasn't as bad before I had our baby removed. With the removal I am officially no longer pregnant.

Throughout my short pregnancy Charlene loves saying that her tummy stores food while mummy's stores food and baby. When I had very bad nausea and wanted to throw up, she would stop me from throwing up for fear of me throwing up the baby along. Her love for our baby was so strong that she immediately bonded with the baby...kissing my belly each night when I come home from work. 

Just a few days ago I overheard her asking if baby is thirsty and she forced me to drink for her baby. I felt so sad and at fault that I couldn't deliver the baby safely...I felt I have shortchanged & disappointed Charlene...she badly wanted to have a 'sister' to play with.

She's going to grow up missing Charmaine & having thoughts that she probably should have another sibling. I hope to give Charlene the best attention that I could give to her to fill the void in her being a 'single' child. 

Angel baby left us at 9 weeks

Jie,
Just as I wanted to write to you about mummy expecting a baby, I now have to break the news to you that our baby had stopped growing at 9 weeks. I was devastated when Dr Andy said baby has no heartbeat. I heard the heartbeat on a Doppler at 8 weeks 1 day & Dr said baby was growing well. How can this happen? I chose to remove our baby at Columbia Asia and to seek a second opinion. Dr described the pregnancy as non viable due to abdominal hernia.

After coping with your death, mummy is now challenged with another loss. Why us again? Why the world is so mean to us that we have to witness your sufferings and now to do a medical abortion. Charlene was so sad yesterday she cried non stop asking for her baby to return. Although baby was still in me yesterday, I had to lie to her that there wasn't any.

I checked into the hospital this morning to start the abortion. Was crying like mad when Dr inserted the medication in me. The pregnancy though ended a week ago, shall officially end soon. I cried and cried...

In the afternoon the cramping and pain became more intense. I didn't know when the remains were officially expelled but when Dr came to check at around 8pm she took out the remains and confirmed all is over. I saw the fetus..I don't know why I dared to see. I was hoping to see a fully formed fetus but I saw only blood clot.

Mummy felt very empty now..baby has gone to a better place. Our dreams of having a new addition is shattered. Charlene's dream of being a big sister is shattered..I don't know how long Mummy will take to recover from this loss but I assured papa that I will be able to get through this fast.

Mummy hope that Jie can bring our baby along with you in heaven. Till we meet again, good bye. I love you