It has been 5 years since you left us

Jie,
Today is 3rd December 2016. It has been 5 years since you left us. I miss you terribly and I still do..

Memoris of the day you left us is still very fresh in me. From you being lifeless in the sarong, sending you to the mortuary, being at your wake and sending you off with the Auld Lang Syne..I remember every single detail.

Till today I still do not understand why did we have to go through the sufferings. Test from God? I have on answers..

Whatever it is, I appreciate the 3 years we had together. Mummy will never forget you forever...I promise you

Didi going for eye assessment

Jie, didi is going for eye assessment tomorrow. Do watch over him & bless him from above. Mummy is praying hard that his eyes are perfect so that he could see us.

There's a lot for mummy to worry....if you could, do guard him..

Loving you,
Mummy

When can we get home

Lucas has been staying in the hospital since birth. Today marks his 26th day of stay in the NICU. Jie, would you know when can we get home?

On 5 Nov when didi got off the ventilator, mummy had very high hopes for him to get home soon. He progressed very fast from duopap to cpap to high flow nasal prong to nasal prong bubbling. Mummy was very proud of his progress & his determination!

On 9 Nov, didi was sent to NICU Level II ward where non critical patients are sent there and prepared to get home. It was a significant progress! On 10 Nov, Dr Pauline tried to off the oxygen support but didi could not sustain the oxygen saturation. I was told not to be disappointed..he will get there.

Today is 19 Nov. We have been trying for the past 9 days but not achieving the targeted saturation yet. Jie..if you are able to help, please watch over didi. Guard him from above and let him recover his lungs functions for him to get home.

Mummy is tired with my stay here..I miss Charlene too...When are we getting home?

Welcoming Lucas to our family

Jie,
I have not updated your blog for a long time. Alot has changed in our family. Mummy gave birth to didi Lucas on 25th October. What was meant to be a joyful event turned into days of sorrow and challenges.

Lucas was born termed at 37 weeks 6 days with hylane membrane disease. Mummy had gestational diabetes and this is likely the cause of the under developed lungs. If someone is to be blamed, that should be me. Had I control my diet even more, will didi still suffer the same faith. I don't know..there will be no answer.

As I am writing this, I am watching over didi in the hospital. Today marks 23 days of stay in the NICU. He was intubated and put on ventilation for 11 days and put on step down process. First was duopap, then CPAP, then high flow nasal prong, nasal prong air and now nasal prong bubbles.

Just like you, didi is a real fighter. From having tubes all over to now the nasal prong....I must say, he has improved a lot. If you are able to hear mummy's prayers, please watch over didi and help him breathe without support. We've been trying on him but he cannot be weaned off yet. Mummy wants him to get home soon...it's been very tough on me these 23 days.

I repeatedly ask the same question I asked when you were diagnosed with Edwards Syndrome 8 years ago. Why me? And...again there will be no answer. All that I wanted was to get a little one for Charlene so that she will not be so lonely.

Since your passing, she is consiously aware of your existence. She is unhappy being alone but tells everyone that she still has you. And when she knows mummy is expecting, she was thrilled. We didnt expected this outcome..

Jie, do your best and be didi and Charlene's guardian angel. Put miracle on didi to help his lungs heal completely so that we can get home.

When didi has grown up a bit, mummy will bring him to visit you. I promise...for now, do watch over him.

Missing you forever..

Missing you for four long years

It's 3rd December today...I dread this day...the day you left without a word. It's been four years since you left us. I really miss you....can't stop thinking bout you

Mummy miss you

Charmaine,
I didn't realise the last I wrote on your blog was a year ago. A lot has happened in a year...I don't know where I should start. We visited LegoLand a week ago & Charlene did this very amazing thing. She kept humming the sound that you liked to hum. Caught my attention & I casually told her.."can you be Charmaine for a while? " I needed a good hug & hugged her very very tight. I guess she could understand why I longed for that hug. Once it was over, she chattily told me "ok mummy, I am Charlene now"

It's been close to 4 years since you left us...mummy miss you everyday...

When answers aren't enough

I've sung this song a thousand times...when I was in my school choir in the 90s up to today. The lyrics used to be meaningful but I never appreciated them until year 2008 when I gave birth to Charmaine. The lyrics best described the battle I faced..best described my 'why did it happen' questions. I used to sing this to Charmaine & each time I'll be in tears.

I sang this song again tonight to Charlene...and she saw tears rolling down my cheeks. The lyrics said 'think of where it can lead you from here'...maybe I should stop thinking why did it happen and start thinking of where it can lead me..

Lyrics for 'When Answers Aren't Enough'
************************************
You have faced the mountains of desperation
You have climbed, you have fought, you have won
But this valley that lies coldly before you
Casts a shadow you cannot overcome

And just when you thought you had it all together
You knew every verse to get you through
But this time the sorrow broke more than just your heart
And reciting all those verses just won't do

Chorus:
When answers aren't enough, there is Jesus
He is more than just an answer to your prayer
And your heart will find a safe and peaceful refuge
When answers aren't enough, He is there

Instead of asking why did it happen
Think of where it can lead you from here
And as your pain is slowly easing, you can find a greater reason
To live your life triumphant through the tears